becoming myself after watching becoming jane

I haven’t had much feeling about Jane Austen before I watched the movie Becoming Jane, although I have read a few books of hers. She is a person, who had experienced the sweet of laurel and the bitter of the rosy thorn.

As a clergyman’s daughter, who was the seventh in her family in the 18^th century, she had chance to receive middle class education. But people in their peer did think that fiction was rat which was made up with the author’s imagination. Novels were pulp could not promote the development of human society. Especially the authors were the roots of the evil. In case that the writer was a woman by chance, her reputation would be deadly bad. That was the background of her time. that is the pressure she was under .And that is how the great pieces were made up.

In Jane’s 20^s, a man went into her life, and opened a new chapter of her life also a fresh page of human literature, which is called chick lit genre. He was Tom Lefroy, a very gentlemanlike, good-looking, pleasant young man from Ireland. Like the formula we know, a handsome man met a girl in her blossom, they felt in love. They were so perfect for each other, he was fairly serious, quiet and very good—maybe a balance for Jane’s energetic humor.

But this combination of the two was doomed to be without any blessing since their lives started. Tom was the oldest son in his good but not wealthy family, in which meant he was the support, but Jane’s clergy farther also could not bring her any good fortune. Under the pressure of the society they even wanted to elope, but the commitment upon their shoulder forced them faced the reality. And we knew that elopement could bring the shame to their family, which lead to that no one would ever like to engage with any of the girls in the female family. So Tom sacrificed their love to please the sponsor, his authoritative uncle who had the opposition of this relationship. Jane quit this unforgettable love for commit the qualified life of their family. They did not see each other any more and she stayed single in her lifetime.

Only those oysters could tell the pain of capacity peals, only those people had tasted the bitter of love could understand the melancholy of Jane Austen.

I finally realized that why Mr. Darcy could be so serious but full of passion, because she was writing him, her forever lover, Tom Lefroy. I really did not know if I should have hatred for Mr. Lefroy, because his leaving accomplished the career of Jane Austen even though the literature. But it made that as a matter of fact, a young woman used her whole life on writing or mourning her past love with beautiful words and fantasy, but I really could not tell whether she would love to exchange the happiness of her lifetime with the entire fame.

On the one side that he said he just flirted with a British Writer, just boyish love, but he named his first daughter Jane Christmas Lefroy, in honor to Jane Austen and their meeting in Christmas. It really made me feel frustrated about how hypocritical people were in that age, they were to fragile to face the public opinion. The feudal society oppressed the humanity, dominating woman’s rights, killing people’s talents in cradle.

I am a person who does not have too much word about my emotion, my thoughts., even if I have to express myself; I would only use those words which could please people I believe in that the dark side of humanity is so chilly that I could not display it to damage other people; I also suppose that the emotions are too heavy too variety which could not be carried out by several line of plain words, it is the unable lightness of being.

To me, who has too many tenebrous thoughts, the exposure of myself is no doubt like to put the vampire under the sun, waiting for destruct; displaying the most fragile part to the others just as the pig on the hammering block, waiting for slaughter.

That is me, existing the world for over 18 years without be understood. Gradually I found I had lost the spark point of my personality, becoming a yes-machine. I do agree with the main strings, I do what people think is right what I should become. I am totally lost.

I ask myself what force me to become this. The answer is not the society, family, friends, but myself. Of course I could make an excuse on them, have hatred on them, which made me a person who is not real me. But I choose to be like this, because I am afraid to hear the disagreement, I dislike to see the opposition. I would like to be accepted by others, by everyone, I erase my individual personality which is against the evil, having curiosity about the unknown worlds. How lamentable I am. I am apparently excellent and living arrogantly to ignore the whisper of my truly mind about what it is really want. I live hypercritically…

Jane’s break through really inspired me. Her brevity of facing her true feeling to Tom is exceedingly out of people’s mind in that time. She continued to write even though it could give her a bad reputation, she insisted on till the last breath of her life.

Compared to Jane I am really a coward, I do not have as much as pressure she had, I do not have as much as things she has sacrificed. Is there any reason I should not be myself?

Becoming myself, after watching becoming Jane.